Just a bit of Wit

[Rocket Man]

Just so that you do not get into trouble in the future please adhere to the following.....

Under new E.U. law the word "gypo", in relation to gypsies is no longer politically correct.

They have to be called (caravan utilising nomadic travellers)

or

C.*.N.T.S. for short.

[Rob Evans]

So that's what John Hamilton was always referring to. 

[Rocket Man]

Jennifer, a manager at a local Lidl store, had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes she found four people who were equally qualified. Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.*

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table,
Jennifer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'

The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head.
There's no warning.

'That's very good!' replied Jennifer. 'And, now you sir?', she asked
the second man.

'Hmmm...let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that
it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.'

'Excellent!' said Jennifer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular
cliché for speed.'

She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.

'Well, out at my dad's property, you step out of the house and on the
wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across
the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant.
'Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'.

Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had
found her man. 'It 's hard to beat the speed of light,' she said.

Turning to Wally, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same
question.

Old Wally replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's
obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHOEA.'

'WHAT !?' said Jennifer, stunned by the response.

'Oh sure', said Wally. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so
good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or
TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already **** myself..'

Wally is now working at a Lidl near you.

[fb.george]

whilst at it and on a similar theme

Don't fart in Harrods...       

A lady walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it.
As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts.
Very embarrassed, she nervously looks to see if anyone noticed her little woops and prays that a sales person
    was not anywhere near.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.

    Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a Harrods’ professional.
Politely he greets the lady with, 
‘Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?’
    Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks,
‘How much is this lovely bracelet?’
‘Madam - if you farted just looking at it - you're going to sh1t yourself when I tell you the price!’     

 

[Andrew300]

Spotted ! My mother-in-law in Harrods ! Just as she finished her job on halloween