Joke

[Hedge]

B’jaysus. That’s strong, Mr. P!

Cheers,
Hedge

[autobackup]

Mistaken Identity

A young lady walks into a supermarket and on her way around the store she sees the bloke who had his wicked way with her the previous evening after they had met in the pub. He was stacking washing powder boxes onto the shelves. ‘You lying toad’ she yells ‘last night you told me you were a stunt pilot.’

‘No’ he says, ‘I told you I was a member of the Ariel display team!!

[GraemeW]

[Karl V]

[mention]deepdurks[/mention] shared this with me a couple of weekends ago. I've run out of real people to share the joke with, so assuming his prior permission to share, I'm now inflicting this on you lot... You can thank me later.

A traffic womble sees a driver swerving violently from left to right and right to left across the road. She starts to follow the driver and sees the man swerving violently again. The blues go on with a whoop-whoop of the siren. The driver slows, but swerves yet again.

A couple more swerves later, the driver finally stops and hits the hazard lights. "A bit early to be drinking isn't it Sir?" she asks. "Not me officer" the man says, with a look of fear plastered across his face.

"I see. Been smoking anything recently?" she asks. "Absolutely not" says the white knuckled driver.

"Mind telling me why you've been swerving across the road for the last mile then Sir?" she asks. "I've been trying to avoid the tree" says the wide-eyed man, pointing at the windscreen.

Confused, she puts her head inside the window to take a look.

"Sir, that's an air freshener".

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Good night.

[Karl V]

I thought I'd give the Nomad a quick wash yesterday with my son.

Bless his heart. After 20 minutes, he looks up at me and says "Dad, why can't you use the sponge? The soap is making my eyes sore and the water is getting cold and muddy."

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[autobackup]

I know it's not car related, but it funny

It snowed last night...
8:00 am: I made a snowman.

8:10 - A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.

8:15 - So, I made a snow woman.

8:17 - My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere.

8:20 - The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it should have been two snow men instead.

8:22 - The transgender man..women...person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts.

8:25 - The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.

8:28 - I was being called a racist because the snow couple is white.

8:31 - The middle eastern gent across the road demanded the snow woman be covered up .

8:40 - The Police arrived saying someone had been offended.

8:42 - The feminist neighbor complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role.

8:43 - The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.

8:45 - TV news crew from BBC showed up. I was asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I replied "Snowballs" and am now called a sexist.

9:00 - I was on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.

9:10 - I was asked if I have any accomplices. My children were taken by social services.

9:29 - Far left protesters offended by everything marched down the street demanding for me to be arrested.

By noon it all melted

Moral: There is no moral to this story. It is what we have become, all because of snowflakes.

[Karl V]

I'd relocate to somewhere warmer if I were you Paul

[autobackup]

Karl

I have temporarily

- I am actually in Poland (Krakow) for 3 weeks undergoing the installation of a full mouth of dental implants at Albusdent!

Not an experience that I am particularly enjoying.

[Karl V]

Toyota Prius.

Well I thought it was funny... Tough crowd!

[autobackup]

Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was
not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.

On the appointed day, the inspector turned up.

"Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.

"Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage.

Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.

There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as
a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife."

"That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit."

"That'll be me then," said Paddy!

[dunny]

What do you call a man abducted by cannibals?
Stu.

[Anon]

A man walks into a rooftop bar and takes a seat next to another guy. “What are you drinking?” he asks the guy.

“Magic beer,” he says.

“Oh, yeah? What’s so magical about it?”

Then he shows him: He swigs some beer, dives off the roof, flies around the building, then finally returns to his seat with a triumphant smile.

“Amazing!” the man says. “Lemme try some of that!” The man grabs the beer. He downs it, leaps off the roof —and plummets 15 stories to the ground.

The bartender shakes his head. “You know, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk, Superman.”

[Karl V]

I've just come back from a visit to the factory. I took the car in because I had a problem going uphill.

"Steve" I said, "Steve". "When I go up the hill where I live, I can only get the Nomad up to 116".

"That's alright" he said. "They top out at 125 and you have the roof lights and winch which won't help with aerodynamics. 116 uphill isn't bad going I'd say".

"But Steve" I replied, "I live at number 122"...

[GraemeW]

[John Scherrer]

"Karl - You're coat" ...